im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
babies were throwing up all over the place
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize