Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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