I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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