I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
