Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
