My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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