Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
True strength comes from lack of pants
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
