Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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