a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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