I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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