I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
