JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just want nice things and good sex
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
