I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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