so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
