I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
