PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
