Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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