Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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