i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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