she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
