i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
