i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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