I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
