no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
