Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
