im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
