I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize