Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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