I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
