I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
