if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
