Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
