Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
