cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I smell like Dick and happiness
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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