I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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