The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
birth control should be required to get into college
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
