i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
