Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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