Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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