I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
