I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this beer tastes like vomit already
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
