By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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