Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
