I must be too annoying 4 u.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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