There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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