Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
