Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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