Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
