can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
