I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
