my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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