i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
