Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
