It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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