you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize