i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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