Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
