Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have already put on my inside pants.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
